Busy Busy Busy!!!

I spent the better part of last week preparing and having a yard sale with Chris' Aunt Jeri. It was so exhausting but was really fun to be able to hang out with her and Christy. We sold a lot of stuff but still have some to get rid of. I'll probably have one more before we begin our journey to Kansas City and the rest will go to charity.

My sweet Blake graduated from 5th grade on Tuesday. I was so excited but really sad at the same time. Handling those two emotions at the same time is easier said than done! Ashley, Nanny, Christy, Jacob, and Christian came to watch him walk across the stage. This school year started out as a struggle for Blake but he worked really hard (and was grounded a couple of times) and brought his grades up and kept them up. We are all so proud of him. He is turning into a bright young man.

Blake also had a "puberty class" at school last week. This has brought on some really difficult questions that he has been anxious to get answered. Most of them I could answer easily, but some of them left me speechless or searching for the perfect answer for a 10 year old. He told me that the stuff he learned was "just nasty". I hope he keeps this mentality, although I know within a couple of years, I am going to be freaking out about all of these questions he has becoming a reality in our lives. Can't they just stay little forever??

Chris should be home in the next week or so. I am so anxious to get our lives back to normal although I know it is going to be crazy until we get to Kansas City and get settled. Our time apart has been very difficult on all of us, but I am so proud of him for being the best husband and daddy he can be!!!!

I am a NONSMOKER

I have been doing research for the last hour or so on quitting smoking, the effects of smoking, and success stories of people who have quit. I am READY to quit. Chris and I have been talking about it for years now. While he was home, he said "We need to quit talking about it and start doing something about it." Every time I light a cigarette I think about this. One of the stories I read said that they started to quit by getting their smoker's story out there. So, here is my story....

I started smoking when I was 15 years old. I remember when I was a kid fussing at my mom for smoking the same way Blake now fusses at me. I remember telling her how gross it was and if it was SOOO bad for her then why did she keep doing it. Little did I know at that time was that I would be in that same position only 20 short years later. I also remember thinking when I started smoking that it was just something teenagers did and it would be a short lived addiction. I told myself that I would quit when I got pregnant with my first child. That was when I was 18. Didn't quit then. So my next goal was when I was 25. Again, didn't quit. I am now 3o and have been smoking for 15 years. That is HALF of my life!!!!!!! I just realized that!!!!!!!!!!!

Smoking for me has become a comfort zone. I smoke when I am stressed, happy, sad, tired, hungry, laughing, crying, driving, talking on the phone, blogging, well, anytime. I feel that cigarettes give me some kind of escape from having to actually be in that moment. I don't really have to feel that overwhelming sadness, or extreme happiness because I can light up and that is where my brain is at that particular moment. That is not fair to me or my family.

Then there are the health effects that I am noticing every day now. My sinuses never seem to clear up. I am always sniffling or coughing. About 4 years ago, one of my fingers went numb all the time. The doctor I went to called it Raynauds, which is basically a blocked artery, from smoking. I now have Pneumonia and just got over an upper respitory infection. Again from smoking. I never wake up refreshed, my chest hurts every morning, and sometimes I can't catch my breath.

I love playing in the yard with the kids but am always having to take breaks. I want to be the mom that I want to be and I honestly think that the only thing that is standing in my way is my addiction to smoking. It has become something that defines me. I don't want to be defined by a cigarette hanging out of my mouth. I don't want smoking to be a part of me any more.

I'm not going to lie and say I am not scared to death. Smoking has been a way of life for me for so long. I know I have to quit for the sake of my kids and for my health. Me getting Pneumonia was my wake up call. I know it sounds bad that it takes something like this for me to say, "OK, this is enough".

There is nothing good that has happend to me by being a smoker. And I DO NOT want my kids to become smokers. I want to watch my kids graduate from high school and college, be there when they get married and have their own kids. I know if I continue to smoke the way I do now, I probably won't be able to do that and if I do I will have an oxygen tank in tow.

Chris and I are changing the way we live our lives and I think that this is one place we have to focus on. I have tried to quit several times before and was unsuccessful, but I have never been at this place in my life. I have really never had this lingering feeling like I do now. I know I am ready. I am ready for change, and this is where I intend to start. I WILL be a nonsmoker before we move to Kansas City!

OOPS!

I just realized that I haven't posted a thing since April 30th! Either I've been really busy or really lazy!!! (Maybe a combination of both)

Two weeks is way too far for me to think back so here's what's been going on the last few days......
Chris came home last Thursday night and got to stay until yesterday. It was so nice to spend some time with him without being so rushed like we were during his last visit. We took the kids out Saturday morning. Had breakfast at IHOP then did a little shopping. We decided to go to the Riverwalk in Jenks. Blake hit up the arcade, Lahna and Brayden played on the rock wall and Chris and I enjoyed a couple of beers. It was absolutely a perfect afternoon!! Then Chris and I had a date night Saturday. We really enjoyed spending time together! Sunday was Mother's Day and we all just laid around all day which was a wonderful ending to a wonderful weekend!

Then....Tuesday I started feeling bad again. I had been to the emergency room about 2 weeks ago and they told me I had an upper respitory infection. Anyway, I began running a really high fever and at 4am Chris made me go back to the ER. I now have Pneumonia. I am on strong antibiotics and an inhaler. I am feeling much better today but spent most of the day on the couch. I am hoping to be almost back to normal tomorrow!

Chris left to go back to Kansas City yesterday. This is half way over!!!

Stomach viruses are no fun!

Brayden woke me up at 3am Wed morning and had a really bad stomach virus. He got sick about every 30 minutes until 8 then slept off and on all day. Lahna and I had it too. We all laid around all day yesterday. Charity brought us Sprite and crackers and made us some homemade chicken noodle soup for dinner last night. She is so good to us!! We are all feeling better today and are slowly getting our appetites back.

I am gearing up for my big yard sale this weekend and am hoping and praying the 60% chance of rain goes away! This stuff is driving me nuts and I am ready for it all to find a new home.

I got everything completed for school last week! All I have to do now is wait for my financial aide to go through and select my classes. I am SUPER excited to get back to it!

Chris will be home next Friday and we are all SO excited!! 3 weeks is way too long to be apart!!!

Cross your fingers for no rain and a successful yard sale this weekend!

It's been a CRAZY week!!

For starters, I turned 30 this week. I thought my brain would automatically adjust and I would feel like an old woman, but I really don't feel any older! I have been dreading turning 30 for years now, but now that I have actually hit that milestone in my life, I'm kinda happy it's here.

Chris' Nanny and I were supposed to go out to lunch on my birthday. She was getting ready and almost fainted and had to be rushed to the hospital. They admitted her and kept her for 2 days and ran all kinds of tests on her. They still aren't sure what is going on with her. I know the power of prayer and I am certain that they will figure it out and she will get better. She is home now and is more comfortable but is still getting dizzy spells. Nanny, I love you and I know you will get better!!! So glad she is back home though.

My best friend, Charity, has been staying with me this week to keep me company since Chris has been out of town. She has been so helpful with keeping the kids while I went to the hospital to visit Nanny and when I had errands to run. I am blessed to have such good friends in my life!! They really take care of me when I need them most and are always there for me no matter what!!

I am on my way to getting back in school. Got all of my paperwork done this week for admissions and financial aide. I am SO excited to get back to it. I hope to start this fall but we will have to see how it goes. I may take a few classes in August then go back full time in January.

Two weeks until Chris gets to come home for a few days!!! I CAN'T wait!! The kids and I miss him like CRAZY!!!

Update

Chris was home this last weekend so I didn't get to post. His 28th birthday was Friday so we had some friends over for a little cookout and probably the last bon fire of the season and at this house. It was nice but we didn't get to spend as much time together as we wanted to. The kids were dying for attention from Daddy. He did get to get some rest since he will be putting in some crazy hours over the next few weeks.

Chris and I talked about it and decided that I need to get my hiney back in school! So I got online tonight and looked at schools in the Kansas City area. Found one that looked good and was close to where we plan on moving and went ahead and applied. I hope to take a couple of classes this fall then go back full time next January. I am so excited to be back on the road to finishing up my Associates and plan on going on for my Bachelors after that. I say... IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME!!!

Speaking of school, I got Blake's progress report this afternoon. All A's, B's, and C's. I am SOOO proud of him. This year has been a real challenge for all of us especially Blake. We have seen his grades go from A's and B's to almost straight F's, and now back up to the top. I am so proud of him!!! I know he is working hard to get those grades and it is hard for him to stay focused, but he is doing it!!

Chris won't have a day off until May 8th, but we are hoping things will fall into place and the kids and I will be able to go to Kansas City for a few days next weekend. We all really miss him so much. Lahna walks around the house calling DADADADA every morning. I think she thinks that because his van is here, he should be here. I am so proud of him for doing this. He is working very long hours and it is hard for him to be away from us too. I admire him so much for taking care of us!!!!

Going to bed now to sleep off my 20's! 30's here I come!!!!

I am SCARED to DEATH

of my kids getting older!
Over the last few weeks Blake who is almost 11 has been asking lots of questions about things I am not ready to discuss with him and has been showing signs of "getting older". He has been using words like mom (instead of mommy), hooker (when I asked him what a hooker was he said "prostitute" but thankfully couldn't explain what a prostitute is, and I didn't offer to expalin), and almost said bad a** yesterday. It is freaking me out! He was fixing up his MySpace (which I am very leery about him having anyway) and when I checked it there was a picture of a woman barely clothed and I almost flipped. I didn't make that big of a deal about it out loud, but my stomach was in knots!! (He must have been in my head because the half naked lady is gone now) I knew that eventually he would begin showing interest in girls but at 10??? Shouldn't he still be playing with cars in the dirt????

Chris and I have always been very open with Blake about adult things to an extent and I feel confident that he will come to us when and if he has questions about adult situations such as sex or drugs. But I have learned that in this day and age kids usually turn to their friends for answers which are 99% of the time wrong. I know Blake is a good kid and will make right choices but I just wonder if as parents we are doing enough to protect our children.

I had a discussion with Blake tonight about sexual predators online since he has really been into MySpace lately. I know all of his passwords and he uses my computer so I can monitor the sites he visits, but is that enough? I told him that he is to talk to NOONE online unless he and I both are positive that it is a family member, kid in his class, or family friend. I let him know how easy is it for someone to pose as a child when they are acutally a 40 year old pervert. He told me that he is careful and that it wouldn't happen to him. That is what scares me. The whole idea of "it happens to other people, but there is no way it could happen to me"

I don't want to scare him, but I want to make sure he is aware of the world we live in. I let him know that I will have full access to his computer usage until his dad and I feel he is old enough and mature enough to know what is right and wrong. He agreed, but I think when he is a little older this will become a problem. I am somewhat over protective of my kids and sometimes people judge me for that, but I will not feel guilty for knowing every move my kids make. I am going to make sure that I can protect them to the best of my ability even if it causes weeky or daily arguments when they are teens.

I want my kids to grow and have their own individualities, but I would also like for them to have our talks and lectures tattooed on their arms and legs. Kind of like a study guide on right and wrong. I am going to have to learn my boundaries as a mother. There is a very thin line. I have faith that Chris and I have the knowlede and tools to be the best parents that we can be, even though it only gets tougher from here.